Fashion Boston - November 2009

ILLUSTRATION B Y NATHALIE DION/ AGOODSON.COM

Bust a Move

Now that shoulders have been declared the new breasts, we’ve got a little something to get off our chest.

he beauty dictators have struck again. We were finally
starting to see results from the biceps curls we dutifully
began when arms were declared the “new breasts” ear-
lier this year, and now comes word that new new breasts
have been anointed. Not lashes — those were the new
breasts last fall, sometime before arms but after the butt, collarbones,
thighs, and abs had their runs. Now it’s the shoulders’ turn in the sun
— or, as the case may be, the push-up bra.

When I heard the news, I immediately called a friend who I knew was working out in her home gym. I wanted to catch her before she wasted any time on her arms. “Arms are over,” I reported. “It’s all about shoulders now.” She slumped audibly, exhausted less from exercise than from the pressure to keep up with the ever-changing status of various body parts. “It’s not fair.”

She was right. Style is like gambling: The house always wins. I know that. But even so, I can never keep myself from getting sucked in. And besides, there is an upside to all these “new breasts.” If you don’t have a great chest, it gives you another chance at glamour. I hung up the phone and glanced at my shoulders. Maybe my turn had come. Alas, they were just shoulders. It was impossible to imagine anyone ogling them.

Well, at least not yet. I reread the press release that had alerted me to shoulders’ elevated position. It was from the publicist for an aesthetic-laser manufacturer, and it mentioned that top designers are showing shoulder-baring dresses this season. “To get these sexy shoulders ready for their close-up, women can get skin rejuvenation treatments to have their skin looking young and taut.”

Young and taut? It sounds as if shoulders are less the new breasts and more the new face. (I’m not sure what that makes breasts… the new forehead?) Meanwhile, considering that I just spent several hundred dollars on bras, and my health insurance doesn’t cover cosmetic shoulder treatments, I think I’m going to sit the shoulders thing out. When breasts are the new breasts, call me.

I BETH TEITELL IS A BOSTON-BASED WRITER AND AUTHOR OF THE JUST-RELEASED BOOK “DRINKING PROBLEMS AT THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH,” A TAKEDOWN OF OUR SOCIETY’S OBSESSION WITH LOOKING FOREVER YOUNG. SHE HAS JUST RECENTLY LEARNED TO WALK IN HEELS. SHE CAN BE E-MAILED AT BTEITELL@GMAIL.COM.

“Art is the ultimate self-expression. People say I’m my own canvas.”

—Iris Apfel

Known for her eclectic combinations of haute couture with flea market baubles, New York fashion icon Iris Apfel dares us to defy the rules. Spectacular ensembles plus inventive staging celebrate her inexhaustible creative spirit.